I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.