I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
PLOT TWIST:
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that