I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Ferrari squats
spicy snake
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
How did we not see this back then?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on