[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
You Might Also Like
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
BOSS: This is hard to say鈥e need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don鈥檛 order anything in more than two days
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog鈥檚 piano recitals.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Wife- Don鈥檛 forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I鈥檒l forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma鈥檃m.