Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know