Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Big Sex has us all fooled
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.