I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
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Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]