My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata