My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.