I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.