My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices