@Lisa_Laughs_

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

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@DrunjAF

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

@sweatheartmoony

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@BobTheSuit

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

@noog

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

@ChrisStephensMD

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

@Try2StopME

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”