My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
God: Build an ark
God: Animals and shit I dunno
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”