If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

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Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”


I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again


Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’


That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.


One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.


I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”


*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME


Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.


@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches


50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.