@Lisa_Laughs_
@ItsAndyRyan Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
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@ItsAndyRyan 
@Kim_pulsive I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
@DomBorrett Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
@ObKeeng That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
@badbanana One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
@E_lok44 I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
@_elvishpresley_ *standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
@Cornjerker78 Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
@mgfkingslynn @truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
@daemonic3 50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.