If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!