Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”