Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’