Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
getting groceries
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂