{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.