when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.