me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
#JohnTravolta
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy