Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Spell check is for lasers.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”