H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button