a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!