When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.