You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Golf would be better with landmines.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.