Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*