There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
You Might Also Like
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
drew a comic about my origin story
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise