your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
You Might Also Like
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with