[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Welcome
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.