I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas