therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic