*eats only grass-fed donuts
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Ok, but like, how married are you?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”