What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.