My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I really had high hopes for this year though
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I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
There’s only one good girl here!
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom