My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.


The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.


Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl


Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*


I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.


My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing


GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.