My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
6: are snakes just neck?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
crying
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.