[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
something like this could probably happen to anyone