All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My dating profile:
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…