I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!