COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly