You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
drew a comic about my origin story
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Saw your ex at the shops
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.