Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
This hospital has everything
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.