I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
You Might Also Like
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
When your parents check you’re ok.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*