The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
You Might Also Like
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.