Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”