Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.


I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic


Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.


COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs


I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.


“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.


The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.


The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.