@liberaldogsays
@OhNoSheTwitnt [Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@MommaUnfiltered GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
@DannyZuker You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
@PopeAwesomeXIII Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
@JasonNotEvil Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
@missekay *decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
@Matt_The_1st Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
@krisv_723 I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
@dafloydsta [first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
@alexsteincomedy Know your customer. Think like an idiot.