@liberaldogsays

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

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@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

@Grommit56

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@BadCoq

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

@amandajpanda

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

@QwertyJones3

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

@rmfnord

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.