[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.