Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.



I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.


I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup


Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.


13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.


If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader


I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.


Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils


Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.



nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.