at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.