@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

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@primawesome

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

@joejwest

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@KattsDogma

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@4SLars

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.