I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Choose your fighter
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
These aliens are taking forever.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.