@primawesome Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
@simoncholland I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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@primawesome 
@aundreyamarie *Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
@joejwest I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
@iSpeakComedy My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
@CornOnTheGoblin [goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
@KizerBillhelm Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
@KattsDogma “I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
@neiltyson Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
@katlamcglynn Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
@4SLars If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.