I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.


*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?


I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]


Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.


“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner


Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.


Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”


If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.