*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
You Might Also Like
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*