I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
What an awful time to have common sense.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.