waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.