Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
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For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!