can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.