In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
You Might Also Like
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
this was the best i’ve ever seen
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
this article brought to you by lions
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for