Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?